Archive for the ‘silliness’ Category


Double-Chocolate-Chip-Swirl-Cookies- from Sally's Baking Addiction Blog

Double-Chocolate-Chip-Swirl-Cookies- from Sally’s Baking Addiction Blog

Let’s Play Pretend

You’re a nutritionist.

You’re a nutritionist that’s advising clients about how to choose healthy and healthier foods when they’re out and they have very limited options. You teach them about basic ingredients; whole ingredients and whole foods; which ingredients are all right when refined and which aren’t; which ingredients to always avoid; how to read ingredient labels; how to prepare meal plans and meals. How to shop for groceries.

Your client knows that fruits and veggies are the best choices. Include them in as many meals as possible. Find fats and oils from as many natural sources as possible. Avoid low-fat and low-calorie labels. Avoid sugar-free labels and artificial sweeteners. Avoid artificial dyes and high fructose corn syrup. 100% whole grains. Real ingredients. Real food. As much as possible.

All in preparation for how to be able to choose between poor options, and when to refrain from any options at all; and when it’s not healthy to refrain from making a choice.

The Day Comes

One day they’re at a party and there’s a cookie table. Let’s say it’s a political party. An election, even. At the back of the table, the fruit and veggie trays are out of reach and wrapped up and not an option. Apparently the best options are for later.

There’s a plate of cookies that are simple sugar cookie. They look fabulous.

There’s one plate of cookies that are sugar cookies with caramel in the middle. Also pretty delicious looking.

There’s another plate of cookies that appear homemade, and they have some chocolate chips; in fact, these cookies have chocolate chips on one half of the cookie and white chips on the other half, but your client dislikes chocolate chips. He thinks they’re disgusting. They also have some sprinkles on top. The sprinkles aren’t completely natural or healthy, but that’s ok. It’s just sprinkles. You can flick those off if needed.

There’s another plate of cookies, but they’re clearly not homemade. They’re supposed to be pumpkin cookies with white chips, but they’re so bright orange they had to be pumped full of dye. There are fire-hot cinnamon chips in them, so hot they’ll make you gag, and Lemon War Heads and Jawbreakers on top. Clearly these cookies are vile, and not worth another look because every ingredient will make your client sick. There’s nothing natural at all in them. They’re completely toxic.

Your client walks away for a while to see what’s happening at the party, but when he comes back he notices that the cookies he really, really wanted, the sugar cookies and caramel cookies, have been completely eaten up. He was too late. All he’s left with are the chocolate-white-chocolate chip cookies and the pumpkin-nasty-ass cookies. He knows the pumpkin cookies will make him incredibly ill, and even have far too many ingredients in them that will make him sick and even have ingredients he’s allergic to… but he desperately hates chocolate chips.

So he eats the whole plate of fake pumpkin cookies stuffed with nastiness, just to avoid the chocolate chips in the chocolate chip half of the cookies.

And he’s so violently ill, he’s vomiting orange for four years and regrets every damned bite wishing he had eaten the half and half cookies.

I completely understand that cookies, on principle, are not healthy. That’s entirely the point I’m trying to make in what I hope is an obvious parallel. And I must note on a personal level that Sally’s Baking Addiction has the most bang-up amazingly awesome cookies you’ll ever bake whether you have a nutritionist or not. You’ll bake your own just so you have an awesome choice at a political party.

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I don’t get paid to write this blog. I’m not good enough. So take me at my word when I say, as a very hyper-critical caramel-in-coffee-but-I-love-it coffee drinker that this is THEBEST salted caramel… nay, caramel creamer for your coffee. 

I say this, admittedly, as someone who already enjoys Natural Bliss. It’s the only one besides pure organic cream that I can drink in my coffee without contributing to pain issues and migraines.

I was skeptical about the flavor before buying because so many caramel creamers leave a weird aftertaste. No worries. I’m not buying any other caramel creamer brands now.
COFFEE-MATE Natural Bliss Salted Caramel Creamer 

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No, I’m not going to write about that miserable son of a bitch, Lucifer (in the flesh 👹, whom God has apparently forsaken if anyone were to have listened to early campaign claims 😇) having dropped out of the campaign for the Presidential nomination.

I’m not going to write about how I’m wondering what his political wife is doing right this instant, since she had hoped to be President herself and then dropped out of the race, and then suddenly she had the chance to be VP and now suddenly that was snatched away too. But I’ll bet there are flaring nostrils and wild, staring eyes involved. Red rimmed and glowing.  👿😲😤😠👾

Nope, I’m not going to write about that at all.

I’m not going to write about the apoplectic conniptions in the GOP 🐮 that I’m sure are running like The Wave through a full crowd at Fenway Park during an awesome game in a winning season, due to the come-to-Jesus realization that Donald Trump “appears to be” the presumptive nominee.

I’m not even going to write about how telling that particular little phrase is. Presumptive nominee. It makes me half think that Mitt Romney is going to jump out behind a curtain and shout, “SURPRISE!” with spirit fingers waving gleefully as a weird, creepy reality show mid-season finale cliffhanger that announces he’s the Party Nominee for the general election, with Paul Ryan’s oily ooziness peeking out warily, like Voldemort before he had his full powers.🎪

By the way, I tried to do a Face Swap with Voldemort and Paul Ryan and I swear on a stack of Harry Potter books, THERE WAS NO CHANGE!!! Either that or it didn’t work but I don’t accept that. Someone else try it, ok?🎭

Left: Bearded Paul Ryan; Center FACES MERGED WITHOUT CHANGE!; Right: Lord of All Evil, He Who Shall Not Be Na…Screw it, it’s Voldemort

 

And, um, apparently that Kasich joker 🃏 “suspended” his campaign to be the Presidential nominee just a bit ago.  But I’m not going to write about that either.

I guess there’s nothing to write about right now. 📰📝Sure was a boring day in politics.  🙃

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So I got up yesterday morning to ready myself for work, as one does. I do it prior to coffee. I do it prior to the daughters getting ready. I turn on the TV to listen to local news for the weather and headlines.

There was about what you would expect at 5:dark o’kiss my ass it’s too early for anything. Watching/listening with my bedroom TV that I can’t rewind, so really, at first I didn’t really believe what I was hearing. Later I went downstairs where, when I hear what seems like ridiculous news, is often confirmed downstairs because that’s the TV that tells me the truth.

Yes. The Today Show confirmed what seemed like the imminent dramedy of:

The Most Ridiculous News Story Diverting Attention From Important Headlines Today

Loves, I regret to inform you that Sarah Palin is whoring herself out yet again in a phenomenally new and unexpected way. She has plans in the works to  have a television show just like Judge Judy Sheinlin of Judge Judy fame where she, Sarah Whackadoodle Palin, is the judge. Or judge-like person. Judging people in court.

What are her qualifications, you ask? Well, I thought maybe she’d whip out a secret law degree or some such thing but, well, Sarah Whackadoodle Dee Dee Palin being who she is believes that she’s qualified enough to be a judge in a court having, you know, chosen plenty of judges during her tenure as a governor of Alaska.

That’s not all, folks!

She also has all of that experience IN TELEVISION THESE PAST EIGHT YEARS since the 2008 Presidential Elections, y’all!

If you don’t believe me, you have Google Fingers.

Now, here’s a warning. If you’re a Sarah Palin supporter and you think she’s a really classy lady, and you feel like telling me how women ought to be supporting women rather than tearing each other down, I’ll disagree with you on point A and agree with you on point B. My explanation on point B is because I disagree on point A. I’ve blogged in the distant past as to why. I won’t go into that now because I’ll use up all of the words I didn’t use yesterday when I blogged about Trump Fatigue.

 

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My youngest has taken to making declarations around the house. This past weekend she made a decision for the entire family, completely seriously:

Darling Girl: “We’re being British now.”

Mom: “Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know. I guess we’d better tell your sisters.”

Mom again: “Hey! Sweet Girl! We’re British now!”

Sweet Girl: “Mm hmm. Yes.” ::nods::

So that happened. I still have to inform The Mister and the other sister.

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ChristmasMusicOn a different note, why in the name of John Lennon jumping on a Saltine cracker is my “Awesome Christmas” (don’t judge me) station on Pandora not playing awesome Christmas music? It’s not like I haven’t spent time programming the hell out of it. But here it is. It’s not even playing Christmas music.

Here comes Frozen. Here comes The Little Mermaid (what?). Taylor Swift’s Blank Space. Wham! Holiday. I’m serious. At least it’s Christmas?

All of the Christmas channels are having the same bipolar concerns. I wonder if it has something to do with the seasons shifting and flipping sides of the country this year? Usually by now, Connecticut is buried under five feet of snow after three storms. New England is, instead, enjoying days of 50*-65*F weather even if it does dip into the freezing temps at night. It’s the first day of Winter.

It might be time to have another chat with Mother Nature in the interest of Global Warming, but my chronic pain issues aren’t really complaining about the lack of below freezing temperatures and lack of snow. There’s a ton of gratitude here.

So here I am, picky about Christmas music. It takes me a while to get to the point of being willing to listen to it, and I got to that point when I heard Pentatonix’s Mary Did You Know on the radio last week and it made me sob in the car on the way to work.

Yes, I admit I’m picky. I love hymns and softer music. I love the songs that are a bit slower, or are more gentle. I love the songs that touch the heart in a spiritual way, modern or old fashioned. Make no mistake… they’re all Christmas songs.

Two days of corrupted Christmas channels though, guys. I only have so many “thumbs down” per hour, you know, and I have to save them for the Christmas songs I simply can’t stand.

This also presents another dilemma:

What do you do when there’s a song that you love that comes on but it’s on the wrong channel? 

This is what I’m saying! Anxiety!

/Working Mom Problems

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coffeeFor a very, very, very long time coffee and Catholicism have gone hand in hand. You say Catholic, I say COFFEE! You say family mass, I say DOUGHNUTS! MUFFINS! It’s just how the coffee cake crumbles.

I remember sitting in Sunday morning mass as a child, as a teenager, as a 20-something in my hometown church on Family Sundays hardly able to make it through mass because of the tempting odor of coffee wafting up through the floors from the basement/gathering hall and into the pews. As an adult in my current church, I can’t say that it’s much changed (when my pain doesn’t keep me from attending) because it hasn’t.

Coffee and church: It’s like chocolate and coffee or, you know, mocha.

Coffee and church: It’s like cream and sugar… in coffee.

Coffee and church: It’s like sea salt and caramel or, you know, salted caramel chocolate chip cookies … with salted caramel coffee.

Maybe you can see why maybe just maybe some people are a little confused as to why coffee, Christmas, and Christianity are all tangled up together:

It’s because of Family Sundays aka Coffee and Doughnut Weekend. 

Let me just say, though, if you take away the coffee on Family Sundays, there will be a REAL controversy. I remember talking with the former pastor of my current church saying that weekends of Family Mass shows higher attendance. When they have better quality of coffee, attendance is even higher. He wasn’t joking. Not even a little. He felt very strongly that good coffee, frequently, brought families to church.

Don’t mess with Catholic coffee. We will cut you.

Pastor Emily C. Heath is awesome. I’m going to show you why. Christians and Coffee Cups: [CLICK HERE] |Pastor Heath shared some simple and beautiful truth regarding the non-troversy (by an individual who fancies himself to be an evangelist pastor).

Her blog entry could be relevant every year with each new created non-troversy towards the imaginary “War on Christmas.” A strong faith doesn’t worry about every new media-proclaimed outrage. At least, mine doesn’t. But my faith is a whole ‘nother series of posts, ha ha.

What I think I’ll do with the money I could spend on the Starbucks coffee (and for that matter, any money I’d spend on my beloved Dunkin Donuts… mmm Snickerdoodle) is keep some non-perishable food in the car and donate it to the next homeless person I see. I’ll donate more food to the local food bank with my children.

I do find it amusing that the Pagan Goddess in the dramatic forefront of the cups 100% of the time, including Christmas and Easter, doesn’t seem to bother the evangelical versions of my brothers and sisters in Jesus.😉

Apart from that, my parting thoughts on what Jesus might think:

Luke 6:20 NASB

a.k.a.

Dudes, if you choose to hate others, ostracize others, insult others, scorn others don’t you dare throw me under the bus when you do it and tell them it’s because I said so. Because dudes, woe to you. Woe. To. You.

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