I’m having some Cognitive Dissonance. It’s making my head all ‘asplody.
the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.
Like many people, I sometimes have trouble reconciling how some people I know can say and do the things they do, and still be the people I’ve known and loved for so long. Others are, well, just as I expect them to be. It’s easy to figure out what to ignore and what to address. I can figure things out and ignore others because I’m a grown ass adult.
Then there are the people who are supposed to be helping me, like, well, doctors. People I pay to pay attention to me even if I’m trying to find myself or vent or get advice or just work out whether I need a mental health med tweak. Like my shrink. You’d think after 10 years she would know something about me by now. In our last appointment it was like she completely blindsided me on her opinion of me, or she grabbed the wrong file and was describing someone else. I actually called her out on it, but she shushed me. I’m a grown ass adult and she shushed me. I pay her, and she shushed me.
I was explaining some parent-teenager issues I was having, and advice on how to handle a situation. I needed some reassurance, but also some actual advice on what to do. Usually she gives an honest critique and a solution, and then tells me that I mainly have things under control and I’m a good parent and not to doubt myself so much. She’s even critiqued that I need to relax the discipline because I’m too strict, I hover too much, while still doing a good job teaching independence. Yeah, conflict? A little dissonance?
“You know, there is this pattern with you. All the time you do this. You’re so interested in being your child’s buddy and needing to be the therapist of all of them and you’re so lacking in discipline. You’re not strict at all. You need to learn to be more disciplinarian and stop being the friend.”
I told her:
“You’re kidding, right? You told me the opposite in the last several years of visits and if you talked to my kids right now they’d all tell you I’m very strict. They’ll all tell you I’m not the friend-mom, I’m the Mom-mom.”
“No, no, you’re wrong. I see it in the way you interact all the time. Whenever you bring them in, every time. You’ll see when you bring them in next time, I’ll show you.”
Except I haven’t brought my children with me for at least 6 years. We don’t do family appointments. We have no appointments planned for any.
I think it’s time for a referral to a new shrink. One who doesn’t mix up files and patients, one who pays attention. She used to be fantastic, I’m telling you, but over the past three years she’s become more scattered and said more and more ridiculously weird things. I can’t write them off any longer. I’ve stayed because I need her to help with prescriptions.