New England winters are not for Fibromyalgia sufferers. I don’t know whether to count this flare up as a new one, or a continuation of what I’ve been feeling for the past month. I get several days in a row of some of the worst pain in various areas of my body on top of my baseline pain, and then a day of relief with nothing but baseline pain. Then I get up, it hurts to roll over in bed to get out of it, and I feel shock waves of pain as my feet touch the floor. Reaching to remove the blankets sends rockets of pain through my back and shoulders. I hobble to the bathroom. It hurts to get in and out of the shower. I feel grateful that when we moved in, the previous owners had already altered the tub so that it has handle bars inside on the walls.
As I wash and rinse my hair, I realize that I have a brand new clump of loose hair. Not the regular that you lose while washing or brushing your hair… but twice or triple that amount. Even though it happened several days ago instead of like a normal person with a normal amount, monthly. I try to wash my calves, but it hurts. I nearly trip getting out of the tub because I realize I can’t lift my legs up high enough.
Advil isn’t working. Hydrating isn’t working. Cymbalta isn’t working. Positive thinking isn’t working. Cussing isn’t working either.
The biggest insult isn’t the difficulty losing weight. It’s not even having to use the cane and by the end of a day, hunching over from exhaustion and pain. It’s when you have clusters of flare-ups and, as a woman, the hair loss is noticeable. It’s when, as a mother, it hurts to hug your children because your skin is so hyper-sensitive. It’s when, as a wife, you’re afraid that your husband thinks you’re using your pain as an excuse not to participate in certain aspects of the relationship and chores. It’s when in spite of living a healthy lifestyle and eating well, you see positive results and think you have it mastered but then the hammer comes down and you get a solid month of, “Yeah, right.”
It’s when you wander in the fogginess at unexpected times, and it makes your usual sharpness and intellect seem dull and fleeting. Stuttering, flaky moments, long pauses trying to find the right words… things that used to be blamed on Mommy Brain but are too far away from the newborn and toddler days to be Mommy Brain any longer.
The entire disorder is an insult.
I can’t afford to sleep all day. I can’t afford to eat Advil nonstop. I can’t afford to push my children and husband away. I can’t afford to cry and use up all of my tears. I can’t afford to use up all of the hot water to try to soothe the aching muscles and nerves.
I want a hot tub.
- Answers (painfighter.wordpress.com)
- Not so much (fibromyalgiaodyssey.wordpress.com)
- Pain Today…Gone Tomorrow (walkingthroughpain.com)
- Fibromyalgia Pain Treatment (casapalmera.com)